I Can't Turn Away
by Saxaphonebaby
Summary: Can it be? Yes, it is! UPDATED! What's Jamie going to make of Caitie's confession?
1. Dark eyes and photographs

I Can't Turn Away  
  
Jamie Waite. He's everywhere. He's in my dreams, he's in the hallways at school. I can't get rid of him. Everywhere I turn, there he is.  
  
Dark eyes twinkling. Dark, spiky hair falling in his face. My stomach does backward flips when I see that smile. When he opens his mouth, and starts talking in that wonderful deep voice of his. It sends shivers down my spine.  
Even when we get a call, and I'm supposed to be paying attention to helping someone, maybe even saving their life, he's still at the back of my mind. Sometimes, I sneak a look at him. Eyes burning with a dark fire. He wants to help those people. No, he has to help those people. He's trying so hard, and he was only here by accident.  
Sometimes it hurts. When I think of him with any other girl, laughing and joking and having fun, I want to be her so much, it almost kills me. But, if I close my eyes, if I concentrate hard enough, I am that girl. I can be the one standing with him, next to him, close to him. Oh, the thought of it.  
Even though it kills me to admit this, I can never be with him. I am nothing like him. I want him. But it can never be. I can't hurt my friend, can I? Even though she denies it, I know she has feelings for him that are almost as strong as, maybe even more so, than mine. I've seen the way she looks at him, laughs with him. They are perfect for each other. I can't hurt her.  
Often, I wake up with him at the back of mind and think, what are you doing girl? You are nothing like him, give it up and crush and someone else. You have a perfectly nice, decent, good-looking boyfriend for goodness sake! When I think this, I sometimes think of Tyler as well. I look at the picture of us that is sitting on my bedside table. We look so good together. Two heads of blonde hair. Two sets of blue eyes. Two perfect, matching, mirrored smiles. We look so happy. But then, Tyler's face disappears, and Jamie's is in his place. One head of blonde hair and one head of black. One set of blue eyes, and one set of deep, dark chocolate brown. One trademark, perfect, cheesy happy smile, and one trademark scowl. See what I mean? We cannot be together. So Tyler's face reappears, I get up, get dressed, have my breakfast and set off for school.  
  
And I am back to being Val Lanier, super crush-EE.  
  
A/N: Was it okay? Did you like it? Please review, and give me any tips if you want! But please be kind, as this is my first fanfic EVER, and I am slightly apprehensive about posting it. Thank you! Oh, and I am very much and English girl, so as a warning for my next fic, I apologise for use of the word 'pavement' (you'll see what I mean when I get round to posting it!). 


	2. Diaries and pompoms

There is something wrong with my girlfriend. I know it. I don't know what's wrong, I just know that something is.  
She can be so kind and caring and loving one minute, and the next. . .I might as well not exist, for all she seems to care. What am I saying? Of course she cares. She - she just has a lot on her mind, that's all.  
I mean, if someone has EMT shifts, cheerleading practise, homework and finals to study for, then of course they're going to be acting strangely every now and again. Only. . .it's not really every now and again, is it. . ?  
I've seen her writing in her diary, lying on her front by the river, scribbling furiosly fast, but with special care. The pink glittery pom-pom on the end of her pen bobs up and down as she writes, occasionally shedding bits of fluff. You can tell when she's been writing for a long time, there'll be pink fluff everywhere, all over the pages, all over the floor, on her hands, and even in her hair. She looks so beautiful then. So, so beautiful.  
I once went over and asked her what she was writing. She didn't even hear me, so I sneaked a peek over her shoulder. I caught these sentances, written in her spiky handwriting, much like Jamie's.  
"I look at the picture of us that is sitting on my bedside table. We look so good together. Two heads of blonde hair. Two sets of blue eyes. Two perfect, matching, mirrored smiles. We look so happy."  
I couldn't help sighing with happiness. She heard. She jumped up, and snapped the diary shut quickly. She demanded to know what I was doing. I said I had been looking for her. She then asked if I had read anything. I shook my head no. She looked very relieved, then linked arms with me and we walked off.  
Tell me that's not weird. I mean, I love her, I truly do, but I worry about her. All this strange behaviour. The unexplainable mood swings, the way she snapped at me. . .what's wrong? Why won't you tell me? Please tell me. I want to help you Val. 


	3. Nothing will be the same again

Tyler suspects me. I know it. I know he knows that something is up. Well, I guess I've made it kind of obvious. I suppose I should tell him the truth. He deserves to know. Oh, but I can't tell him. It'd break his heart. I can't do it him. I can't. I'm not like that. I don't like hurting people. Soppy or not, it's the way I am. So how can I tell him? I mean, we've been going out for - um - hold on. . .January. . .February. . .March. . .there was that 'break' in April. And it's practically the end of July now. Then it should be. . .oh my days, we've going out for over SIX MONTHS now. Six MONTHS. SIX months. So long. So many stories to tell. So much history. And typical, stupid me, I'm in love with someone else.  
It's so hard to have to keep pretending. I hate it. I hate lying. It's just not me. But when I hold Tyler's hand, when I kiss him, hell, even when I talk to him, I'm thinking of Jamie. Jamie. Ohhhhhhhh. Why does it have to be like this? Why? Why can't I just be madly in love with Tyler Connell, who's supposedly perfect for me in every single way with perfect blonde hair, and perfect blue eyes, and a perfect academic record, and his future mapped out for him? Why do I have to be madly in love with James Waite, who is absolutely nothing like me, with his unruly dark spikes, and deep dark eyes, and dark past and God only knows what ahead of him?  
It's a vicious circle. It truly is. I can't carry on with Tyler. I just can't. I'll be lying to myself, and of course, it'll bring his world down around him in the long run. But you know the horribly irritating thing is? I can't stop my relationship with Tyler. I can't, because I'll never actually be with Jamie. I can't be, because if I am, it'll mean losing my best friend. . .  
Caitie. Caitlin Anne Roth. I hate to have to say this, but she's the worst part of this whole fiasco. I mean, come on! I'm in love with the same person as my best friend for God's sake! Oh, she won't admit it, but I know it's true. I've seen the way she acts around him. The same way I used to with Tyler. The same I do with Jamie now. How horrible. I'm competing with my best friend for a guy who probably wouldn't give a second thought to dating. I'll break her heart. She thinks I'm perfectly happy with Tyler, anyway. . .  
Oh no. Oh, NO! I've just remembered something! Oh my goodness, yesterday, by the river, when I was writing in this diary! Tyler was reading it over my shoulder! Oh my word. . .I can't have him finding out my secret I'll have to be so careful now. I mean, this is my secret. And it's going to stay that way. No one will ever find out. But nothing will ever be the same.  
That's Caitie at the door. I've got to go. This is my secret. Mine. Always. . . . . . .and forever. 


	4. A Spanish Quiz and Revenge

I can't believe it. I can NOT believe it. The cow. The stupid, stupid, deceitful cow. How dare she lie to me? How can she live with herself? I hate her. I hate her. I REALLY hate her!  
I was at her house today so we could study our Spanish - we've got a huge quiz tomorrow. Anyway, we were up in her room, and she went down to get our dinner. I was looking for her notebook, so I could catch up on a lesson I missed, and while I was rummaging around, her diary fell open at THIS page. . .  
  
"Caitie. Caitlin Anne Roth. I hate to have to say this, but she's the worst part of this whole fiasco. I mean, come on! I'm in love with the same person as my best friend for God's sake! Oh, she won't admit it, but I know it's true. I've seen the way she acts around him. The same way I used to with Tyler. The same I do with Jamie now. How horrible. I'm competing with my best friend for a guy who probably wouldn't give a second thought to dating me. I'll break her heart. She thinks I'm perfectly happy with Tyler, anyway. . ."  
  
The cow. She knows how I feel, and yet she's still doing this? How can she do it? She's stringing Tyler along too.  
Tyler. God, I know I always seem like I don't like him that much, but to be honest, he's a decent guy. He really loves Val, all you have to do is check out the way he talks to her, looks at her and treats her and you can tell. He doesn't deserve this. I have to tell him. I have to. For his sake.  
How's Jamie going to take this? I mean, he's obviously going to find out, seeing as how he works with Val and Tyler. God, I don't even want to imagine it. And not only will it be incredibly awkward, what with all three of them working at the same EMT station, but my friendship with him will be over.  
Because it's not like we'll ever go out. It'd be too weird, sort of like kissing my BROTHER. If you've been friends for as long as we have, then you can't date. Then it'd be too weird to hang out together any more. If he knows that I'm in LOVE with him, then how strange would that be? No. Friendship is impossible.  
Damn. This is getting complicated. Why in the hell did I have to find Val's diary? Why was I even over here? Why did our spanish teacher have to set a test? If she hadn't, then this study jam would never have happened, and I never would have found Val's diary.  
Love is a fickle thing. Everyone says that love is the greatest thing, but love is what is going to destroy mine and Jamie's friendship, break Tyler's heart and is what has already torn my friendship with Val into shreds.  
Why bother loving anyone? All it does is end up in heartbreak. Stuff love. And stuff this test. I've got to phone Tyler.  
And if Val isn't revealed as the lying, back-stabbing cow that she is, then my name isn't Caitlin Anne Roth. 


	5. Biscuit Tins?

A/N: Hey hey! (my greeting of the month!) Okay, so I lied - I said I'd have this posted in four days and that was what - two months ago? My apologies, I had two holidays to go on (yes, two!), then my brother stole the computer. Don't. Even. Ask. :) Oh yeah, and I don't own In A Heartbeat or any of the characters. Though it'd be nice to own Jamie. . . .  
  
Life. Is. Good. Yeah. The tv - oh, god bless the tv - has something good on for once. There's actually some edible food in the fridge! Oh, and I didn't get yelled at by Alex yesterday - now, that makes a nice change. Yeah. Life's pretty damn fine.  
Okay, admittedly, Caitie and Val have been acting a little - uh, how do I put this? - different lately, and for some reason, they've both been especially strange around me. To be honest, I don't have a clue what's going on with them - Val's been pretty much avoiding Caitie. Now, that's pretty strange for them. Hmm. . .wonder if I can figure out what's going on?  
Nah. Can't be bothered. Anyway, the tv beckons. Watch tv. Tv good. Tv is kind, forgiving, and the tv loves me -  
DAMN! Can't concentrate. This thing with Val and Caitie is actually starting to really bug me. Okay. So. . . 1) Val is acting weird around me 2) Caitie is acting weird around me 3) Val is avoiding Caitie  
Hmmmm. . .what could this all mean? Oh damn. . .could Caitie have found out about the biscuit tin incident???????? No, she can't have, and that wouldn't explain why Val's avoiding her. Unless Val's embarrassed about it. . .yeah, that must be it!  
Go me! I've FINALLY figured it out. Hey, even if I got it wrong (and I'm pretty optimistic that I didn't) I can still ask Caitie - she's coming round in about ten minutes. I cornered her yesterday and persuaded her to stop being weird and. . .hey, that's her at the door now. Early as always.  
Biscuit tins - All these weeks of oddness, and I've figured out it's to do with BISCUIT TINS! Jamie Waite, you are a certified genius. Like I said, life is good. . .  
  
*hope it was worth the long wait! Please read and review, and I promise I'll try to get the next chapter up as soon as possible. . .* 


	6. A Rabbit Named Bolt

*Ok, I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO sorry that it took me this long to get this chapter out! But, I just moved house, and the computer was the 1st thing to be packed up and the last thing to be unpacked! So, sit back, and enjoy!*  
  
I can't take it. I can't take the waiting. It's eating me! Okay. . .that might sound slightly stupid, but its true. I can't stop fidgeting. I can't sit still for more than five seconds! So far, I've chewed off nine nails, and if she takes much longer, I'll have to chew off my arm. . .and I don't particularly want to do that. Might hurt.  
God, I am SO nervous. There are butterflies in my stomach and they just won't go away. I've tried sitting down, standing up, walking around in circles, jogging up and down the stairs, even talking to my stomach; anything to try and make it calm down. It didn't work. Brooke came in, gave me a weird look and just backed out, like I was some kind of crazy woman. Maybe I am.  
Mind you, however bad I feel now, it's going to be nothing compared to how Jamie must be feeling. I wonder how he's taking it? Maybe he doesn't believe it. No, he's too smart for that. Okay, maybe he's upset. No, that's not really like him. The only time I've ever seen him upset was that Halloween when. . .I'm going off of the subject again. I don't mind. Takes my mind off of things.  
Oh god. I've just remembered. Oh god, oh god. I forgot. I completely forgot. We're supposed to be on a shift tonight! Damn, damn, DAMN!!!!! I don't want to go now! I really don't want to. How am I supposed to be able to face him?  
Where the HELL is Caitie? She can't have gone home - all her stuff is still here, her Spanish books, her phone, wallet and her house keys. She might be needing those at some point. Oh, WHY is she taking so long? If it were me, I'd just open my mouth and say something like;  
"Hey Jamie, me and Caitie, we both have mammoth-sized crushes on you, guess what, Caitie isn't talking to me because of it, well bye, see you at the station tonight."  
Well actually, no I wouldn't, because I'd run away as soon as he opened the door. Bunny rabbit girl, that's me. Bolt away bunny, run as fast as you can. I - well, okay, Brooke - had a rabbit called Bolt once. She called him that because as soon we came near him, he'd bolt away. Just run off and we'd chase him for hours up and down the garden.  
I'm rambling AGAIN. Why is Caitie taking so long? Is she trying to deliberately hurt me? No, Caitie wouldn't do that, she isn't that kind of person. She isn't! I know she isn't. . .I guess I'm just scared. A few hours ago, this problem seemed okay. Me and Caitie were busy studying for Spanish, we were still best friends. Okay, so I still liked Jamie, but no one knew. And now. . .  
Oh GOD, what a mess. What the hell am I going to do? And. . .oh my god. I forgot. I completely forgot.  
What the hell am I going to do about TYLER?????  
  
*heehee! Did you like it? Please r/r! Oh, and can ANYONE pleeeeeeeeeeeeease explain how you do italics on here? Because they don't come out when I post anything. danke!* 


	7. Three Small Words

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A/N: What can I say but sorry for the ridiculous delay? Thanks for being patient! I'm not going to say too much, because I really should be concentrating on this chapter - so here you are!

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Disclaimer: I own NOTHING!!!!! L 

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I Can't Turn Away: chapter seven

So. Here I was, sitting happily, eating a slice of pizza, watching the TV. I guess I was kinda happy at that moment. I mean, as far as Sundays go, this one was pretty damn good! Like I said before, the TV had some good programmes on - there was good food in the fridge (nice change!) and I'd just realized that Alex hadn't yelled at me for GOD knows how long!

So tell me how the hell all that can change with a five minute conversation? I mean, really. Because in five seconds, I found out my 'temporary happy mood' (as my mom so kindly put it) really _was_ temporary. And it was my best friend who bought it crashing around my ears.

Caitie came round. I thought we were gonna study for a couple of hours, grab some pizza, and watch one of those crap films Caitie's so fond of making fun of. Well, it wasn't like that at all! I opened the door, expecting to see her with her usual cheesy smile (saved only for video Sundays), holding a video and her books. But instead. . . .

*~*~*~*~*

__

"Hey Caitie."

"Hi Jamie. . ." I took a closer look at her. 

"Caitie, what's wrong? You look like crap."

"I've got something I have to tell you."

"Okay. . .come in." Caitie walked in, clutching a pink notebook to her chest. I closed the door behind her, feeling incredibly confused. "So, what's this thing you have to tell me?" Caitie held out the notebook. "You're into pink now?" Caitie shook her head. "Then. . .what? Come on Caitie, I'm not a mind-reader."

"Jamie. . .please, I'm trying to be serious." I fell silent. This was when I knew something serious was happening. "Look - I wish I didn't have to tell you this. But it's got to the point where I can't bear it any more." I decided to cut in quick.

"Look, Caitie, if this is about the biscuit tins thing, I swear to God, it was an honest mistake. Anyway, it's not like. . ." I trailed when I saw the look on Caitie's face.

"Biscuit tins? What are you talking about?"

"Um. . .don't worry." Caitie gave me a look but tapped the pink notebook. 

"Read that."

"ALL of it?"

"No." She took it off me, and started flicking through the pages. Just as I started getting bored, and reached for another pizza slice, she reached out to stop me. 

"You want a slice?"

"No. . .I've found the right page." I stood straight. 

"Caitie, what the hell is going on?"

"Read that," she said softly, her eyes fixed on the floor. I tossed the notebook to one side, knelt down, and tilted Caitie's head up so that her eyes were locked on mine. 

"Caitie," I said firmly. "Something's going on that you're not telling me. And I can tell that just reading something out a pink notebook won't help at all." Caitie didn't reply. "Damn it Caitie, you're beginning to scare me. Will you please just talk to me?" When she still didn't reply, I began to get slightly mad. "C'mon, you're my best friend, you can tell me -"

"That's just it!" She cried suddenly, standing up so fast that I fell back onto the rug. "Best friends. . .that's all we'll ever be!" I still didn't get it. "Jamie, don't you understand?" I shook my head slowly. She sat opposite me. "I love you." 

"Is that it? I know that. We're best friends - of course we love each other."

"But not in the way I'd like it to be," she said, her voice nearly a whisper. That was when my cosy little happy world starting cracking. 

"Caitie, you don't mean. . ." She nodded. 

"I do. I'm really sorry. . .but I do. That's why Val's been avoiding me. It's why we've both been funny around you. We both_ love you." I stood up. "Jamie?"_

"Caitie. . .I need to think about this!" I said, my voice beginning to crack. "I have to. . .I have to go. . ." I grabbed my coat, and my keys. 

"Where are you going?" 

"I don't know. I just need to think." Caitie stood up. "No, please Caitie. . .I need to be on my own. Please." 

"It won't change anything Jamie!" She yelled as I ran out the door. "Jamie, I love you!"

*~*~*~*~*

So that's pretty much what happened. I remembered, the pink notebook was Val's diary. Caitie was probably trying to show me one of Val's entries. . .about me? Probably. 

I hate this. How can your whole entire world be screwed up by three words? 'I love you'. Huh. People say they're meant to be the best words in the world. I don't think so. I mean. . .Caitie's my best friend. And Val, she may not be my best friend, but she's still a friend. But I guess they don't really think themselves my friends. . .I mean, how can they? If they. . .God, I can't even say it. If they. . ._love me._

And to top this all off, I have a shift tonight at the station. Correct me if I'm wrong, but that's gonna be awkward as hell. Val's gonna be there. . .oh damn, Tyler's gonna be there. What the hell is Val doing, falling for me? She's got Tyler! He's much better for her than I ever could be. I mean - I'm not exactly like her am I? She's on this stupid squad because she wants to be. I'm on here because I was stupid enough to get myself arrested. That alone would be enough to put _anyone_ off. 

Apparently not.

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A/N: And there you go! Hope that was worth the wait! Please read and review!


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